Struggling....

I seem to be getting right back into the same old rut. I'm still struggling in the romantic area. For some unbeknown reason I have multiple married men who approach me and proposition me. I realize that I am in an age bracket that has more married men than single men but does that mean that they should hit on me and ask to have some sort of relationship with me? I work in a male dominated field where stress is a daily check off on our list and perhaps its the fact that I spend the night every third day with 1-3 men (depending on whose on shift)is a factor. I don't know and nor do I care why it happens as long as its not me putting off the vibe that I'm okay with that. What I do care about is that it stops happening and that eventually have a love life that's worth a darn at some point. I don't care to recycle an old boyfriends-its against my religion. They are ex's for a reason.

I thought that after I moved back home that I would be okay and that everything would return to normal. I was mistaken. The only thing that the California trip confirmed was that I have no relationship with my father at all and there is nothing that I can do about that. I have felt guilty for years about our relationship-or the lack there of. I was not the one who left him, that was my mother, I was not the one who didn't call and didn't visit when he promised, that was my father. I'm not even catholic and I have so much guilt about something that I had no control over at all. And since I left the driveway of my father's house in California I have not been able to get my father to speak to me. I'm struggling with the fact that he is acting like such a child. I wish he could see what he is doing to me and actually feel bad about it. But he doesn't and most likely will never see or talk to me again. I need to come to a point where I don't care anymore than he does about this situation and let go. It was soooo much easier when I was 3000 miles away and didn't have to face the fact that he didn't care about me-and then I go and move to California and see it for myself. UGH! Oh well, right? Life goes on...his has anyway.

On a brighter note I paid 1000.00 off on my credit cards and have cut back my spending tremendously-might have something to do with the fact that I work almost every cotton-pickin-day! Hard to shop when all ya do is work and sleep.

I have lost 11 pounds in a month...don't think its from the one day that I worked out at the gym and the two bottles of water. Again, it's most likely due to my work schedule and the stomach virus that nearly did me in. Whatever works for me, right? About five more stomach viruses and I will be at my ideal weight. Anyone wanting to share the toilet-seat-bonding virus? Anyone?

I have consolidated and deleted an immense amount of crap! My closet looks fabulous! It would look even better to me if it were filled with skinny people closet-that actually fit my body. One thing at a time though.

Well, I am still optimistic about this year and the goals that I set. I will keep struggling and keep going no matter what. "You never fail if you never give up"!

Later Gator Haters!!!